well, i'm posting because life is really good right now, and the next time that life isn't so good, i want to be able to check my deviant art and see a post from a time when life was grand to say the least.

i really didn't expect things to come together as well as they have. i've been accepted to the film conservatory at SUNY purchase, as well as several other schools. i am superduperincredibly excited about purchase. only 20 students get accepted and needless to say it's a wonderful opportunity to be one them. i am 99% sure i will be attending purchase, not pratt, in the fall.

i literally cannot wait. everyday i wish it were the end of august already. but, at the same time, it is a bit scary to think about leaving my entire life and all of the comforts i have grown accustomed to. i am turning eighteen in five days, it's certainly a date i've marked in my mind for years, anticipated endlessly through all my angsty teenage spats. but it also means a drastic change. it means responsibility, no one to pick up the pieces when i fuck my life up beyond repair. at the same time, i look forward to picking up my own pieces, or not having any pieces to pick up... this metaphor has gone too far, now it's just confusing.

i just want to hold on to the sentiment i have in my head and in my heart at this very moment. the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that all that "maintenance" has paid off. in a matter of months, all of the things i ached for throughout my high school experience have come to fruition. life may not be perfect, but i've gotten what i've asked for, and honestly, what more that that could i want?

now, the idea is just to stay on track. which, for me, at least, is not a simple task. but, i'm committed to the future i have built for myself. i know what i want, and i am not going to let my emotions get in the way of that. i don't need to runaway anymore, and i suppose that's the best resolution i've gotten from high school so far.



tomorrow is my 900 days free of self-injury.
peace, thanks and love to all who made it possible. i owe all that i am to you.

uploaded some older stuff for no reason.

check it out.

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&

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it's been a good week.<3

attended the "Long Island Media Arts Show" today with Doxsee, Ievolo and the video kids. and, overall i have to say --in terms of the films-- with a few i was very impressed, while others, i must say, to be totally honest, really made me want to vomit. if i had known how low some of the judges standards were going to be i would definatley have entered whatever shit project i had. I mean, i could've brought in the ap environmental project on the toyota prius that i filmed for jennie, and LITERALLY edited with her for fifteen minutes, right up until her class began, and the pansy-ass judges there would've told me that it was "beautifuly and magnificantly crafted," or, "clearly very well thought out," some bullshit like that. they weren't all bad, one student from our class ended up getting best in show, which didnt surprise me because out of all of the short i saw today, i have to say those were 4 of the 5 or 6 films that actually had a plot line or that made any structural sense whatsoever. i know art is art, i cannot judge, but let's just say i've seen enough shitty 1min 30second horror/thriller films with terrible lighting and convient and witty plot twists. do what you can do, if you suck, im in no position to judge you--UNLESS YOU ENTER YOUR SHIT WORK INTO A SHOW WHERE YOU ARE BEING CRITIQUED. but, maybe im just a tad cynical.

however, i must say, i was completley blown away by some of the photography at the show today. there were some really, really great and talented artist who managed to capture brilliant and beautiful images. i almost wish i could've gotten contact info for all of those artists, i would've liked to have been given a better opportunity to take in, absorb and expierence their work. i hope to someday be able to harness my creativity and vision as well as the artists today have, i felt some of those pieces truly effect me--physically and spiritually. i'd like to have been able to communicate that with the artists.
i think i will try and have at least a short ready that i can enter in this show next year. i took notes on the judges comments and criticism, and all of the things i picked out that people were doing wrong--maybe that'll help me out.
ok, done being a judgmental prick for the night. congrats to the artists who pulled off their work sucessfully. i hope to one day do the same. <3jenn


p.s. I NEED ACTORS! YOUNG MALE ACTORS IN SUFFOLK COUNTY, I NEED YOU FOR MY NEW SHORT. PLEASE HELP ME, I AM A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT SO I CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY YOU, BUT MAYBE I'LL BUY YOU A SODA OR SOMETHING. PLEASE I NEED ACTORS DESSSSSSPERATLEY.

an assumption has surfaced, that i only want to be loved, that it's the only reason i stay in a relationship. well im not planning on sitting down and getting all defensive in an attempt to calmly and rationally explain what i feel, so i'll just write it out. it's simpler that way& easier for me to stay in a wise-mind perspective. i know im a DBT nerd, shut up no one asked you anyway. so there is this conception about me--im not going to debate whether or not it's a misconception, im just going to state what i think and some of what im feeling:
i can take fights; not drama.
i like taking care of someone; i dont like wrapping myself around a person. it's a nasty habit and im going to stay as free of it as is possible.
give me sex; give me humor; give me personality; give me an intellectual; give me good company.
im looking for a good time.
im not looking for a wife.
im not looking for someone to cry my eyes out to, i'm trying to recognize what constitutes as 'needing' someone.
i don't want to need someone. not a girl, not anyone.
i care about people, yes, it's inevitable. but im trying not to need people.

loving people hurts. it's been said and i think many of us understand why that's the case. i can't take attachment and then loss, i just cant, i never could. im getting better at distress tolerance, but loving someone it letting someone crawl inside of you and make a home for themselves there. the infatuation part is over-rated i think at this point, so many times i've let the lust of infatuation tie me town, i end up getting stuck somewhere i don't want to be, watching it slowly fall apart, just waiting and hoping for an excuse, something horrible enough to get me the hell out of there. and it's not fair to do to people.
having a relationship can kill you. period.
worse than cancer.
worse than anything.
i think--unfortunatley-- i have a very crappy meter when it comes to love. either i have no attachment to someone, or im madly in love with them. its a character flaw. i guess there's a possiblity that this may change as i grow, but as of now, i can't get committed with people because thats when i get attached to them and ultimatley end up getting really really hurt and hurting others.

there is also the fact that all states are temporary.

no love lasts forever. it may change form and still remain positive, but it's never the same love forever. some temporary things im learning to handle:
i understand i had to leave partial, it makes me sad, i miss my friends desperatley, i miss the time and the expierence, i miss the structure (as completley unlike me as it is), i just miss not having to be productive, AND i understand that it was temporary, i know i had to move on. and while i miss it, im glad that i got to move past that stage, i don't think i need to be back there right now, though many times i wish i was, but i need to be out of my comfort zone.
the point is i can take certain temporary things, but i cannot take getting emotionally tangled-up with someone, becoming attached, and then being abandoned or betrayed or fucking it up. it's not just romantic relationships, it's most relationships. no matter how much you care about someone, you always find a way to hurt them, and the same goes for them with you. there is no freedom from pain. i'd rather not love, than love and lose. today, thats how i feel. im still building my wall. i had it, i took it down, and it back-fired. i need that wall again, i need to be able to protect my self and the people on the other side.

im not completley incapable of dating someone. im not into commitment right now, deffinatley not, maybe one day, but im hoping i can just keep away from things like that; just enjoy the people who im surrounded by, they're meant to be there. i realized that this past year.

it's always been that i just wanted to love someone, not that i needed to be loved, just that i wanted to make someone feel that way, treated well, cared about, let them know how important they really are. i find i stay in relationships often for the sake of staying in them. it's not healthy. as much as it's nice to try and hold on&be there for someone, thats not a relationship, it's a contractual thing. like a bear trap or something. i cant take feeling stuck, i feel pigeon-holed, and i can't fuckin breathe.
no more 'i need you, i need you, i need you,' not on my side or on anyone else's. not in relationships, not in friendships, not with my mother, not with my therapist who i somewhat feel i can trust, but is teaching me to need MYSELF, instead of others. thats what i want, to need myself, not to care only about myself, but to stop living for other people, to live because i want to live. to not cut or do anything because i don't want to do it. no to do anything or make any decisions for myself based upon what other people want me to do. i can take other's emotions into account and still make a wise-minded decison.

i dont want to 'need' anybody or 'love' anybody; i dont need to be 'needed' or want to 'loved' by anybody but myself, with the acception of my brother and sister. without them, i don't know.i need to be more cautious in my actions and in choosing my words, & i need to do what is right. i need not to stay in a relationship where i don't belong.

if someone wants to 'love me' i don't completley understand why but i must forewarn you that there is some emotional unavailibility there. where it need apply, and according to some, more than needed in certain casses. it's sad, im not proud, but im working, and im not gonna let some petty drama or a heatbreak ruin all the work i've done. im sorry, but i need to protect myself from the hurt.